The Microwife - A curious device invented by a Japanese geneticist who realized and attempted (with limited success) to counter a serious potential problem in the USA and other notable Western cultures.

It is an established cultural norm that every American house should contain an American housewife. Unfortunately, due to the rise in obesity levels in the US and the ever-decreasing amount of habitable land available, scientists claim there will eventually become a point in the not-so-distant future when housewives will effectively become shrink-wrapped in their own houses.

Hence was born the concept of "Microwives" - a genetic splicing experiment involving samples of DNA from exceptionally small individuals from around the world, combined with DNA extracted from suitable candidates from the US populace. Unfortunately this merely resulted in an mild increase in the number of circus performers available for employment and a rapid explosion in the number of Japanese websites offering "knee-high spherical Dolly Parton look-alike latex porn".

Well I'm still what you class as alive. Sorry for leaving the ectoplasm on the floor Rob.

Not a great cook so I'm going nowhere neer and cook book for a while unless is have Microwive in the title.

It's not the undertakers that worry me, it's whatever's leaving ectoplasm all over the living room carpet...

And my stir-fried random is VERY random. I may be heading off in the 'jean-paul sartre cookbook' direction if not stopped soon ;)

Last night I constructed, single-handed, a rather OTT quantity of ginger-variant Chernobyl Chicken, complete with all the trimmings in under 15 mins. This did require me to juggle three frying pans, all on high heat with potentially burnable contents and steam rice at the same time. I am now firmly convinced that all oriental chefs actually possess in excess of three arms.

Tonight I am having the only logical follow-up to such a dish - fish, chips and stir-fry. Obviously.

In other news, how is everyone? Still alive? (Or at least providing a passable imitation whenever over-zealous undertakers look restless...)

...and i've ended up taking the food in a rather unfortunate (as it turns out) direction.

Take a small amount of base sauce, vaguely like bolognese but without the meat, and then add a dizzying pile of beans of various descriptions.

the results will become apparent in 24-48 hours.

Acquired the noble skill of stir-fried random have we? ;)

Well - those of you who will be at the housewarming will doubtless meet the unique school of cookery that Emma and myself have developed over the last seven hours. Be afraid, and quake before our saute-fu.

Heavy enough base... perhaps. My pan is a nice alumnium Prestige one, with nice non-stick coating. I've taken good care of it over the last 3 years by cleaning and rubbing the surface down with oil immediately after cooking with it. I'll try what you suggest, with less and slightly cooler oill; when I usually fry things, I let it get hot enough to make it spit a lot when you put something in :)

Bacon's much more sedate when with other things in the pan, I think maybe it likes the company.

Bacon psychology anyone...?

You can tell I'm bored.

And I've not been on irc lately since NTL have decided to 1) not bill me 2) cut me off because of (1). They even said they'd reconnect me, and bill me within the next few days. Last Monday.

Meh.

wow, a group of men discussing cookery complaints/techniques :P i won't complain though, it's good having a boyfriend that can cook :D

I hate to be boring here and shed light on your bacon related woes, but it sounds to me like you've not been using a frying pan with a heavy enough base. Bacon burns and sticks like nobody's business if you try to cook it in a cheap pan - we threw most of our frying pans out for that very reason. Go and invest in a nice heavy-based teflon coated affair and use the minimum of hot, but not smoking, oil. Too much oil and you'll end up with limp, greasy abominations rather than bacon.

I only mention this because I've just constructed and consumed a meal with a reasonable amount of bacon in it. That and an unreasonable amount of Pesto.

I'm suddenly reminded of Rob's investigation of 'blast radius' for grating cheese. This blast radius seems to be the same for raw carrot too.

Me thinks there's a common trend here of food just not wanting to be prepared for eating, or trying to make it as hard as possible to be prepared nicely. This shows a deep lack of respect.

Bacon is still the most disrespectful of the lot though, with it always sticking to and blackening the pan, depsite gallons of oil there, and the rind not cooking in the way you like, and the way it curls up so that the rind never cooks properly...

Bacon can indeed be unruly, but the humble boiled egg is surely one of the trickiest of beasts. Every egg takes exactly (a random cooker specific constant - the amount of time you put it in for) to cook.

As for other kitchen perversities - what about the noble pursuit of onion chopping? My personal approach is simple. Only use an onion that is at least a week old. By that point the thing has started sprouting and is more like spring greens than eyeball death in the centre.

The carrot is the stupidest of all vegetables.

But it's stupidity is nothing compared to the lack of respect found within rashers of bacon.


(anyone attempting to cut carrots and fry bacon in a hurry will understand).